The Misadventures of Mudgie and Magpie
by ilovetvalot
Summary: JJ and Dave's pets adjust to life in the same house. Please R & R. AU...As ever, I don't own Criminal Minds.


**Author's Note: Hello, readers! I couldn't resist another foray into the land of the BAU's most undervalued character. Mudgie! Please drop a line and let me know what you think. As ever, I don't own Criminal Minds, its characters or their pets.**

**The Misadventures of Mudgie and Magpie**

Well, it's been over a month now and that son of a bitch never QUITS humming now. And it's worse. Now, sometimes he sings, too. Frank Friggin' Sinatra, no less. If I hear one more bar to "The Tender Trap", I'm gonna chew my way out of this house. Christ, the last time I heard this much Frank was when Dave spent the first three months after his third divorce belting "My Way" at the top of his lungs. That was a bad season, let me tell you! The upside is that I think the blonde babe has stock in the Milkbone Corporation since it's become my second food group. I prefer to think of myself as a glass half full kind of mutt. Life around here has changed. Big time. That feline furball has seen to that. And Dave is such a sap. He falls for shitty kitty's tricks all the time. But I'm onto her. Well, not literally. Found out the hard way that using her as a chew toy bought me a couple of nights in the garage. Pretty kitty, my ass.

Yeah, life's changed since the introduction of JJ and Magdeline Anastasia Pricilla Jareau, otherwise known to "lesser" beings as Magpie, to the home front. Seriously folks, this feisty feline is Mary Poppins without the spoonful of sugar. So British, so proper, so absolutely fucked up. If I have to hear one more time how she's been forced into pet servitude against her will in the crass Italian's house, I'm gonna hack up my kibble. I don't think it's a stretch to say that shitty kitty hates us. And, for me, the feeling is mutual. Well, almost. I did feel kinda bad when I locked her out of the dog door the other day…but more on that later.

Hey, I tried to be nice. After recovering from my initial shock of having to share my humble abode with a CAT, that is. I even offered her a corner of my couch, but the little hairball just turned up her nose at me. Seems she has a problem sharing space with a lowly dog.

"I'll find my own accommodations, thank you!" she snipped at me as she pranced off in the direction of Dave's bedroom.

"Yeah, good luck with that, Peaches," I'd called after her, watching her tail twitch down the hallway. "The master doesn't allow any animal in his bed but the two legged kind that moan in a real good way!"

"We'll see about that," she had tossed over her shoulder with a glare.

And, damn, if the cat had not only gotten to sleep in the bed…she'd gotten her own pillow. Aptly, it said, "I'm the Princess…that's why" on it. The only joy I received that first night was watching the "Princess" be dethroned. Because, as I think I've mentioned before (see my previous story…Mudgie's Musings), my master is a horny old dog himself. Yeah, ole Magpie got herself an eyeful. As the moaning and groaning began in the big bed, I'd gotten a kick out of Magpie's look of horror and disdain as she viewed the happenings. Watching her leap from the mattress to the floor and dart across the room toward me, she asked, "What IS your crass father doing to my mummy? She's NEVER made those noises before. It sounds like that brute is killing her. You simply MUST do something!"

Snorting, I looked at the irate feline beside me." One, that is not my father," I said, shaking my head at her - not only were humans stupid, evidently cats were, too.. "I'm going to try to explain it to you. Four legs," I said looking at my paws, "Two legs," I growled, nodding toward the bed. "Dave's the master. I'm the DOG. NOT the SON! And two, you're kiddin' me, right?"

"Absolutely not!" she'd hissed. "Hurry! Can't you hear how much pain she's in?"

"That ain't pain sister…unless it hurts in a real good way," I'd laughed.

"You find this amusing? Bark, already…before he kills her," Magpie had hissed, looking nervously toward the bed as the sound of squeaking bedsprings began.

Oh, hell no! I'd learned years ago when I'd been but a wee pup that there are some moments for which a dog stays quiet. The master getting his freak on with the mistress…that's one of those times. Else, you end up in the barn in the dead of winter with only the hay to keep you warm. Screw that! So instead, I did what any self respecting dog would do. I screwed the pooch. Or in this case, the hairball. "Wouldn't matter. He'd just ignore me. You know what he can't ignore though? A cat on his back." How was I to know that claws could cause so much damage. But damage, they did. The chaos as the master had leapt from the bed howling in pain was only rivaled by shitty kitty's wail as she sailed through the air. Good thing that cats always land on their feet. I'd thought it was only a myth. Turns out, it's true!

With a sense of glee in my heart, I watched the hairball get evicted from the bedroom, kicked off her regal throne onto her less than ceremonial ass. Trying not to emit joyous barks of victory, I followed her to the laundry room and couldn't resist having a bit more fun. "Ya know, you'd think you'd just want to stay in the room they built for you anyway, Mudpie," I said, trying to keep my whiskers straight.

"Magpie," she snootily corrected, twitching her tail.

"Yeah, yeah, Magpie. That's what I meant. It's right through that door," I said, pawing at the pet door, leading out into the great beyond.

"Really?" she purred, looking at the door. "My own room? Well, it's the least you father could do for me, isn't it?"

"Not my father," I growled. "MASTER. Four legs. Two legs. Remember, peaches?"

Sniffing the air, I watched her head for the swinging dog door. Just a few more steps and I'd give this four-legged mop a lesson she wouldn't soon forget.

"Well, I suppose I could have a look-see," Magpie huffed, hopping through the door.

"Yeah, you do that, sucker!" I barked, nosing the door closed. "Ciao, Shitty Kitty!"

What happened to Magpie that afternoon...well, it's almost enough to make me feel sorry for her. Almost. But, then, that's another story for another day.

~The End~


End file.
